Who doesn’t love coffee? Or should I say need coffee?

At least in America, coffee, especially that first cup in the morning, it’s practically a moral imperative. That first cup signals the start to our day; that first jolt that helps take the edge off our sleepiness. Ah! To me at least, it’s one of God’s greatest gifts to humankind. 

For coffee-drinkers, I think we can all agree that there really is nothing better than that first sip. But taking a more amusing perspective on it, what that first sip represents to women versus men wildly differs between the two sexes. Mind you, this isn’t something you’d find in the famous relationship book “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” but it does speak to a similar theme: If we understand each other better, we can have better relationships. Granted, it’s a much more colloquial perspective, but it’s yet another way of understanding how men and women differ.

Women are multi-taskers. I’m constantly amazed at how they can do so many things at once. I’ve been married almost 30 years and I can’t keep up with everything my wife is doing. I look at our online family calendar and it’s all her stuff! And having a central calendar like that isn’t unique to us. She got the idea from a group of moms she hangs out with; it makes my head spin.

So given that, that first cup of coffee for a woman is that spark that ignites her multi-tasking engine. She feels that caffeine coursing through her veins and she transforms into Super Woman, flitting about the house, getting the kids ready for school while negotiating a better rate on her credit card, and in my wife’s case as a teacher, getting her stuff ready for class. This is all before 7 am. I have nothing but admiration and appreciation for a woman’s ability to think and act upon many things at once.

But for a man, that first cup represents something totally different. We’re focused creatures. We live our lives one thing at a time. We roll out of bed, relieve ourselves, perform our morning ablutions, then head to the kitchen to have that first cup. Nothing else is on our minds. We take that first sip and unlike a woman who probably visualizes the things she’ll be doing for the day we, on the other hand, close our eyes and are instantly filled with anticipation. The anticipation that after we finish that cup, we are going to retire to the bathroom and unload a massive dump.

And it ain’t that ooey-gooey, runny stuff either. It’s a log made from all the compressed waste that has accumulated in our colon overnight, pressing in on itself and building up into one long piece. And it comes out like that, piling on the bottom of the toilet bowl, curling around like soft-serve ice cream, replete with the curly point on top when our sphincter finally pinches together, finally having had enough of the onslaught.

And, of course, men take great amusement and perhaps a bit of guilty pleasure in dropping a smelly turd in the toilet. The more creative ones don’t let it pile. They’ll scoot their ass forward to lay cable, then stand up and admire their handiwork. But it doesn’t end there. Not only will they be proud of their accomplishment, they’ll tell their friends!

Crude and rude? Maybe. But like I said above, it’s a colloquial perspective on just how different men and women are. Sure, I could have taken a more scholarly approach and delved into studies and analyses. But I’ll leave that for the experts. I can only write about what I’ve observed over the years.

Men are definitely from Mars!